March 2012
5 posts
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I want you to know that you won't have to hide...
So I just read this thing about how Mark Wahlberg is going to remove his tattoos because he doesn’t want his kids follow in his footsteps.
*snicker*
The best thing you can do to keep a kid from getting inked? Give them some parents with ink.
Your father and I, at first glance, seem like a nicely matched pair … we got a cute little alterna-rock-hip-hop thing going on. Both fairly...
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I want you to know that I am going to freak your... →
I’m reading a little bit my childhood in front of like 300 people. The bit where your Hey Lady taught me to fight.
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Okay kid, I finally figured out what you can glean...
I think I finally know what I want you to learn from my father’s death. Which is funny because I have made like, three billion posts but just NOW figured out what I have to say.
I’ve been putting together some pieces of my father.
Since my mother’s mother died, like 20 years ago, my mom and dad have been having these deep conversations. Far deeper than anything that they had...
February 2012
8 posts
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“We can play with Thomas and Henry after-later.”
– You. You never say that something will occur later. It is always “after-later.” I love how you play with words.
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I want you to know that I am figuring out what a...
My sisters and brother and I are now this newly formed unit. WE. We are going to do things. Right after my father died, it was blowing my mind that WE could be called upon to do things together.
We.
Like all this time we had been one cohesive, nuclear family unit instead of a bunch of electrons.
Our first task was the funeral. To just be present. And we did it. For the first time EVER, all...
I want you to know that you never know what the...
MY FATHER: (on the phone) What are you doing?
ME: Driving home.
MY FATHER: … you? You’re driving?
ME: Yah. I got my license when I was 30.
MY FATHER: (big, wheezy, man-giggle) I have never seen you drive. Ever.
ME: Huh … I never drive when I come to Alabama. I’ll have to drive you somewhere next time I come. NOW CALM DOWN AND STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE AND WORKING ON...
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I want you to know that I wrote this right after...
I was driving somewhere and I was thinking that I would rather not die anytime soon. Especially not on the way to his funeral. Because the first motherfucker that starts to draw delicate little fatherly lines between me and him … the first motherfucker that says Now they’re together in heaven … that motherfucker? I’m going to make my cremated ashes fill that...
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I want you to know that I was wrong, and I was...
I was wrong. My father dying is not at all like if Spike Lee died.
The world is a different place when someone that loves you dies. This is crazy to me: Next time I land in Alabama, my father will not come to see me.
There was a comfort in the fact that my father was out in the world, doing the things that he does. All my life, I knew he was out there, somewhere, laughing. He was out there...
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I want you to know what happened during the ten...
So.
I did the thing that I said that I would never do. I was daughterly to my father.
I called every major phone company. I threatened and begged and renegotiated my father’s cell phone bill. I figured out a mystery charge on his bill. I got him a free new phone with a bright screen. I made it so he could receive photo and video missives from his grandson’s fan club. His bill would...
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January 2012
14 posts
4 tags
I want you to do this for me, if necessary. →
These boys lost their mom in an accident eight years ago. She got a flat tire, her Ford Explorer rolled over and killed her. They made a video to raise awareness and the footage of their mom playing with them as toddlers KILLS me. She’s beautiful, the boys are adorable and she is so free with her love, feeling that she has at least eighty more years to give and get. And she didn’t.
...
lolaayerkai asked: Could you provide us with a list of your stories..? Ad you're my source of virtual mama too (: I love your blog
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I want you to know that you are SO my kid.
ME: Did you just poot?
YOU: Nooooo. I TOOTED!
Laughter from your father and I.
YOU: I want some Old McDonald's (that's what you call McDonald's) and some SOCKS!
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I want you to know how to make quantum leaps.
My mother used to have these deep conversations with me, because she didn’t know what else to talk about. I remember long talks on topics like transcendental meditation, and abortion. Thus, I have no skills at small talk.
COCKTAIL PARTY GOER: So … nice weather here in Austin.
ME: What? You’ll never get my gun unless you pry it out of my hot little Marc Jacobs clutch. Also,...
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Go here and vote for Library Of Maternal Nagging,... →
I want you to know that you gave me the most...
YOU: Mama. You look wonna-full. Just wonna-full.
ME: Did he just say that I look wonderful?
DERRICK: Mama does look cute.
YOU: NO. Wonna-full.
ME: Thank you, baby. Do you want to drive mommy's car to Toys R Us?
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I want you to know how very, very sorry I am.
The song that was number one the day that I was born was, “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack.
The song that you got was “Live Your Life” by T.I. and Rhianna.
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I want you to know that your mother is the...
This is one of the ones you might want to delete before your run for Congress.
Or before you go to middle school.
So you have developed this habit of holding your poop in. We think you had a rough poop and then decided “Nope, this shitting shit is for the birds. Not gonna do it.”
As much as your dad and I have explained that this is a bad idea, you persist in acting like Meth sewed...
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WatchI want you to know the Juanes song “Regalito” is your JAM. You play it over and over. And last Saturday morning we totally made a video. You have grown up with me pointing my phone at you so much that you just play to it. You won’t be afraid of the spotlight and that is an important quality to have.
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I want you to know that I am about to do the thing...
I already told you about my father.
I see him when I go to Alabama. There are no birthday calls or Thanksgiving calls and there shol’ ain’t no Father’s Day calls. But I’ve always let him know if I’m coming home.
He likes to bring you gifts, even though I told him that he didn’t have to. Last time he brought you a Nerf football. You ate half of it and I threw...
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December 2011
7 posts
goddessrambles asked: The goddess is in love with a new blog. woot woot! how long have you been blogging? is tumblr your only blog?
WatchVideo by your Auntie Cynthia
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I want you to know what to do when you realize...
I think about what will happen when your teenaged self comprehends my blog.
I don’t think you’ll be shocked. It’s the principle of boiling frogs. They say that if you try to put a frog in a pot of boiling water, he will fight you to the death. But if you put him in the water and slowly heat it up, he’ll go along peacefully.
Wait. I don’t like comparing you to a...
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I want you to always enjoy your birthday. Or for...
I’m part Vulcan on my mama side. I inherited all the deadpan bon mots and none of the good bangs. The grand cosmic joke is that I managed to breed a boy who is all Vulcan or at least seems to be that way sometimes since I LIVE FOR A FREAKING HUG FROM YOU.
I think I can hear my mother snickering and fingering her stack of Oprah magazines. They told her that payback would be sweet.
So for...
November 2011
1 post
I want you to know about Amsden.
Mommy is a writer.
Which means that there are certain things you’ll just have to get used to. There is nothing you can do about my tendency toward bizarre headwear, nor my pretentious use of Google’s Word of the Day. Just be glad that this is not the eighties when writers had cocaine-and-whore parties while wearing neon socks.
Neon!
But you will have to suffer through one key side...
October 2011
11 posts
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I want you to know that if I hit the lottery...
A coworker of mine, Corey Seaton cautioned me the other day about the whole “If I die,” part of my blog. Words are powerful. And he would think so, because he’s a poet. I totally hate poets. In my book, that is one step away from mime. But I like Corey. This is him, all getting his poet on.
I kid, I kid. This is him.
Also, I love Langston Hughes. Love is a wild wonder. And...
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I want you to know that I couldn't have done it...
Well … I could have, but I don’t know anything about children. I would have based it on my dog, Lola. And as soon as I talked about splitting a beer with my kid on the patio of Pontiac, the gig would have been up. Then it would’ve ended with Oprah yelling at me for being a fraud on her show. This would cause my mother great shame and she’d have lived in her upstairs linen...
WatchYou know how to make tickle.
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I want you to know how to fake your way to being a...
When you are upset and I need to calm you, I imagine my hands being my grandmother’s hands. I picture them in my head, the dark brown of her skin, the curve of her nailbed. And I remember how she made me feel when she touched me. She felt solid and sure.
As an adult, looking at her life, I wonder how she could have felt that way. Nothing at all was particularly settled in her life. We...
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September 2011
4 posts
I want you to know about my Uncle Kenny.
Every single morning when you come into my room, I look into your face and I see my Uncle Kenny. Your little puffy eyes, so like mine, so like his, almost take me into a time warp.
The Uncle I remember was a good man. Fun. Handsome. He used to call my grandmother loudly whenever he came into the house, “Mommmmmuh!” And he had the best, mischevious twinkle to his eyes.
He was sort of, shall we...
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I want you to understand the power of your words.
It was bedtime. But you said that you wanted to go get your Batman. Which is this tiny little plastic figure that I’m not even sure is a Batman. I told you to go get it, then to come right back. You said, “‘KAY!”
And that is what you did. I didn’t have to bellow a threat or anything.
You came back, closed the door and got back into bed.
You kept your word.
You...
WatchI want you to know that you can have this kind of happiness in moderation.
I want you to wait on body mods.
This is allllllll Richard Boadu’s fault.
So long ago I asked the president of the ad agency I worked for if I could get a lip piercing. The answer was no. She suggested that I get a piercing … uh … down below? In my woman parts? Something that wouldn’t be seen by the client. I found this uproariously funny and not in the least offensive. Which is why I’m in...