EPISODE 1: WHAT IS THIS CRAZY SHIT? WHERE IS MY NAGGING?

These are very special volumes in the Library Of Maternal Nagging. I’m working on a little project. I’m going to see if I can sell Amsden on himself - or at least the man I’d like him to be. I’m going to supplement my nagging with posts about my manipulation. MAMAS! THROW YO HANDS UP AT ME!

Shit. Your hands are probably full. That’s okay, I feel the love.

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The brand of my boy.

So in my quest to advertise you into greatness, the first thing to do is to create a brand.  

Your brand will not be based on what kind of career I want you to pursue, but what kind of man I want you to be.

I can’t really do anything about the career path you choose. But let me put in a plea against these–the NBA, the NFL, rapper, rapper entourage, travel agent, drug dealer (Glaxo Smith Kline/food manufacturer) and any sort of engineering. I never met an engineer whose job I can understand. You do fucking what for Accenture? No, sir, you may not buy me a drink.

Also? A job at Monsanto will make me feel like I have failed you as a mother. I don’t care how much money it pays you.

Yours will be based on the man that I want you to be when you are 25. I’ve been imagining you at 25. Post college. Or mid-startup. Or both. (I SEE YOU, STARTER LEAGUE BOYS). I’m watching actual 25 year olds of today? What traits do I want to encourage and discourage?

You need some brand pillars. What do you stand for? When people think of you, the man, how do I want them to describe you? 

Normally a planner would have the lead on this kind of thinking but I’m yo mama and that kinda makes me a client. No point in pulling in the strategic planner if i have no concept of where I want to go. At least an idea that she can help me vet and grow.

When I’m working on a problem at the ad agency, I always leave my computer keys and pick up a pen. So I have been doodling and scribbling on your behalf. I debated straightforward qualities like, CURIOSITY. 

Or perhaps taking more license, like SWASHBUCKLER.

I felt like I was cheating a little with that. I’m cramming a bunch of things into one word. Swashbuckler means bold and daring risk taker, a bit of a romantic figure. Prone to adventure. Courageous. A bit brash and confident.

That’s one word and 46 things to do to get you there.

Is that good? Too big?

I’m meeting with your planner.

That’s funny. You have a nanny and a strategic planner. How many kids that aren’t named Kardashian can say that?

DELIVERABLES: Your brand name, look and brand pillars.

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I want you to know how I became the mad mom. Or, how I started that cult that lives in the backyard.

So this began on the Twitter (@FlyLibrarian), where I rant about a hodgepodge of stuff - motherhood, advertising, revenge, square-toed loafers and stuff. Mostly I just try to figure out how I can live my life like I’m Cindy Gallop. All of the awesome and the occasional dollop of … that other thing she’s known for.

DON’T GOOGLE THAT, BOY. IF I WANTED YOU TO KNOW, I WOULD HAVE MADE IT A LINK.

You have reached an age where you start trying on and absorbing so much of what’s around you. I have to be careful of your circle of influence. For example, if you watch a bunch of cartoons that are a little advanced for your age, I get a lot of smart ass ninja turtle responses like, ”Chill out, mom-dude.”  

You are hyper-sensitive to all the emotions around you. You absorb them and play them back because you think that is what you are supposed to do.

It was bumming me out a little. This planting the seeds of a man thing is hard. And they say that this time until you are seven is key in establishing your values and adult mindset. What if I blow it? What if I forget something? WHY CAN’T I MAKE YOU STOP BITING YOUR TOENAILS IN KUNG FU CLASS? AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR YOUR FUTURE?

Then it hit me …

I persuade people to do stuff for a living. AND I’m a black man’s mama. Technically, I should have all the juice in the world when it comes to you.

Now being a Creative Director and momming are notoriously unfriendly to each other. But I’m gonna drag both into a room and force them to make nice. Or no pie after dinner.

I’m going to use what I know (advertising) to tamp down my fear of the unknown (parenting). In advertising, I can detach a little and focus on what needs to be done. In parenting, I’m all LAWD JESUS HOW AM I GOING TO GET HIM TO SIT HIS ASS DOWN FOR CIRCLE SHARING TIME? IT’S GODDAMN CIRCLE TIME, not ORBITING ELECTRON TIME. DO I HAVE TO SHOW UP AT SCHOOL AND STAPLE YOU TO THE FLOOR? 

Sometimes. Sometimes I’m like that.

Anyhoooo, I’m all excited about introducing you to your brand. I have even recruited a planner, (HAAAAAAAAI, PEARL!) because I’m a bit on the obsessive side. You are my focus group of one. I am going to use everything I know about influence to get you to stay true to your brand - the gentleman you’ll be when you’re 25.

I can’t wait to create your brand identity, do some research, get some briefs going and get started on some solutions.

I might even make you a logo.

Dude. You got THAT mom. You’re SCREWED.